I liked your mention of texting a friend to pray! I have a couple of friends who will alway pray for me even for little everyday things, and it really helps me feel less alone. I wonder how common or uncommon this is. I remember one time I was having such a difficult day interiorly and a friend texted asking how she could help and I asked her to "do my praying for me today" because I was struggling to pray. She prayed for me all day and wow, it was such a gift!
I think the prayers for little everyday things can be one of the best parts of friendship. I've made a bigger effort to pray right then and there for people when I say I will pray for them, or to even text a written prayer back to them. I have a few friends who have done this for me and it is so encouraging.
I wouldn't feel terrible for that! Babies are exhausting and the 4 month - 12ish month stretch is particularly brutal (for mine at least) sleep wise. Weekends are something of a break because we don't do school, but it just depends on the time of year and what's going on. We're not involved in a lot of extracurricular or sports (by design -- it's just too much). Sometimes I feel weird about that, but it works for us. Depending on the time of year we do a fair amount of hiking and my husband does quite a bit of camping with our boys (I go too, just not at certain stages of pregnancy and babyhood, ha!).
Grateful he sleeps through the night now. Have you ever wrote about how having kids changed your relationship to your partner at all? Just curious. Wondering what it means to connect and still be the version of who you were before the children.
I don’t think I have written about that much, but I think it really varies by couple. We had a seismic overhaul of everything about 3-4 years into our marriage, but it wasn’t really kid related (though we had two young kids). In general -- kids are going to change things. It doesn’t mean you can’t have a good relationship, I think that ours is better! But it will be different.
Don’t feel terrible, of COURSE you’re exhausted! It would be odd if you weren’t! Honestly the baby stage is such hard work, or at least I found it so, even if it’s also magical. People who say it doesn’t get easier have forgotten how hard it was in the early days. Low standards are key. Good luck!
Anneliese, what a day - and what memories you revive with your faithful descriptions! No matter how overwhelming this feels at the time, I have to say that reading over your day makes me miss the younger years... (ok not all aspects:). We seem to have several overlaps: Math Mammoth (great, clear, inexpensive), Story of the World (we have read through the entire series several times, but I am also in book 3 again with our youngest), the Misty Mountain song! and Seinfeld (a go-to for a needed laugh). I have no idea how you can fit writing on Substack into your day, because even with much older children, I find it a challenge. On that note, I need to let the chickens out and get some pancakes on the stove...Thanks for sharing, and enjoy these years; even if they feel overwhelming, they are utterly precious!
I really do feel that we're in a sweet spot, even with all the chaos. I'm grateful for the chance to be able to slow down and just let everyone be little for a bit longer. At some point we may have to leave our bubble. Re. Substack, I think it fits because I like it so much, not because it's practical 😂. I do a lot of praying that God will give me the ideas and the wherewithal for things to come together in the short time I have.
Reading this gives me such relief that I’m not alone in the daily chaos and that it’s a normal and healthy part of family life!
I do have a question, though: What do you do to encourage a good family culture around chores and having everyone participate in keeping the house clean? My oldest is only 4 at this point, but it’s something that has been on my mind recently. My mom was a wonderful mom, but there was a lot of chore-related tension and yelling in our house growing up, which I would like to avoid as much as possible with my little ones.
Hmm, I don’t know if I have a great answer to this, but I think that cheerfully modeling doing the work WITH them, makes a huge difference. Often I think that what a parent thinks is obstinance in “not cleaning up” is actually overwhelm at having no idea where to start. In order for them to be successful at cleaning up after themselves they need to know where things go, and how to get them there. We have a lot of bins for toys -- easy to throw them in. But for a long time I had to do all the clean up tasks with them, then you can move to directing, i.e. “can you find all the blocks”, “okay, now can you find all the books and I’ll help you put them on the shelf!” Don’t expect them to be independent until you’ve equipped them to be successful (which yes, takes some time and investment). Usually the learning is watch you do it, do it together, you watch them do it. And we emphasize a lot that this is a team effort, we all live in the house and make the mess, so we all clean it up. And trying to make it fun -- music, saying a “yes! You can listen to the story, have the snack, etc... as soon as you clean up x,y,z”
As Annelise says, even with a good attitude from Mom and a routine and good teaching and all of that...there will still be some grumbling.
We have morning chores and evening chores for each child, plus some things that they each just have to do anyways (e.g. the older kids do their own laundry). These rotate each week.
We also use big chores for discipline. I know some people don't like this idea, but for us, we frame it as something like reparation: if we do something to distress or hurt the family, then we do something to *help* the family to help make up for it. It also helps because it gets the offender out of the public space and gives them physical work to do and time to recover emotionally.
We also do work around the house or outside when people are getting fractious in the house. Not as a punishment, but because heavy work is grounding. Something like filling the woodbox or vacuuming is a really good change of pace.
Finally, when I'm getting really frustrated with the state of the house, I have found that saying something like "everyone please find one thing to do to make the house nicer for our family" is really positive. The kids like having choice and they will often respond really well to this, and in only a few minutes, things will be better. (Another version of this is making a list of chores and having them choose which ones to do.)
With your 4-year-old, harness that "want to help" energy! A floor swept by a 4-year-old is still better than an unswept floor. My 4-year-old loves to help set the table and sort and fold the laundry. Also, to wash the windows, wipe down tables, etc. If you lower your standards a bit, they can do a lot to help, and they love to feel that their contributions matter!
I liked your mention of texting a friend to pray! I have a couple of friends who will alway pray for me even for little everyday things, and it really helps me feel less alone. I wonder how common or uncommon this is. I remember one time I was having such a difficult day interiorly and a friend texted asking how she could help and I asked her to "do my praying for me today" because I was struggling to pray. She prayed for me all day and wow, it was such a gift!
I think the prayers for little everyday things can be one of the best parts of friendship. I've made a bigger effort to pray right then and there for people when I say I will pray for them, or to even text a written prayer back to them. I have a few friends who have done this for me and it is so encouraging.
We only have a 7 month old, and I feel terrible for saying I’m exhausted. I’m sure you’re use to this by now. Are weekends the same? Lighter? More?
I wouldn't feel terrible for that! Babies are exhausting and the 4 month - 12ish month stretch is particularly brutal (for mine at least) sleep wise. Weekends are something of a break because we don't do school, but it just depends on the time of year and what's going on. We're not involved in a lot of extracurricular or sports (by design -- it's just too much). Sometimes I feel weird about that, but it works for us. Depending on the time of year we do a fair amount of hiking and my husband does quite a bit of camping with our boys (I go too, just not at certain stages of pregnancy and babyhood, ha!).
Grateful he sleeps through the night now. Have you ever wrote about how having kids changed your relationship to your partner at all? Just curious. Wondering what it means to connect and still be the version of who you were before the children.
I don’t think I have written about that much, but I think it really varies by couple. We had a seismic overhaul of everything about 3-4 years into our marriage, but it wasn’t really kid related (though we had two young kids). In general -- kids are going to change things. It doesn’t mean you can’t have a good relationship, I think that ours is better! But it will be different.
Don’t feel terrible, of COURSE you’re exhausted! It would be odd if you weren’t! Honestly the baby stage is such hard work, or at least I found it so, even if it’s also magical. People who say it doesn’t get easier have forgotten how hard it was in the early days. Low standards are key. Good luck!
Anneliese, what a day - and what memories you revive with your faithful descriptions! No matter how overwhelming this feels at the time, I have to say that reading over your day makes me miss the younger years... (ok not all aspects:). We seem to have several overlaps: Math Mammoth (great, clear, inexpensive), Story of the World (we have read through the entire series several times, but I am also in book 3 again with our youngest), the Misty Mountain song! and Seinfeld (a go-to for a needed laugh). I have no idea how you can fit writing on Substack into your day, because even with much older children, I find it a challenge. On that note, I need to let the chickens out and get some pancakes on the stove...Thanks for sharing, and enjoy these years; even if they feel overwhelming, they are utterly precious!
I really do feel that we're in a sweet spot, even with all the chaos. I'm grateful for the chance to be able to slow down and just let everyone be little for a bit longer. At some point we may have to leave our bubble. Re. Substack, I think it fits because I like it so much, not because it's practical 😂. I do a lot of praying that God will give me the ideas and the wherewithal for things to come together in the short time I have.
Thank you for sharing about your beautiful, full life in its messy-but-real glory! Keep it up!
Thanks for the encouragement!
Reading this gives me such relief that I’m not alone in the daily chaos and that it’s a normal and healthy part of family life!
I do have a question, though: What do you do to encourage a good family culture around chores and having everyone participate in keeping the house clean? My oldest is only 4 at this point, but it’s something that has been on my mind recently. My mom was a wonderful mom, but there was a lot of chore-related tension and yelling in our house growing up, which I would like to avoid as much as possible with my little ones.
Thanks for sharing your day!
Hmm, I don’t know if I have a great answer to this, but I think that cheerfully modeling doing the work WITH them, makes a huge difference. Often I think that what a parent thinks is obstinance in “not cleaning up” is actually overwhelm at having no idea where to start. In order for them to be successful at cleaning up after themselves they need to know where things go, and how to get them there. We have a lot of bins for toys -- easy to throw them in. But for a long time I had to do all the clean up tasks with them, then you can move to directing, i.e. “can you find all the blocks”, “okay, now can you find all the books and I’ll help you put them on the shelf!” Don’t expect them to be independent until you’ve equipped them to be successful (which yes, takes some time and investment). Usually the learning is watch you do it, do it together, you watch them do it. And we emphasize a lot that this is a team effort, we all live in the house and make the mess, so we all clean it up. And trying to make it fun -- music, saying a “yes! You can listen to the story, have the snack, etc... as soon as you clean up x,y,z”
And there’s still grumbling 😆
As Annelise says, even with a good attitude from Mom and a routine and good teaching and all of that...there will still be some grumbling.
We have morning chores and evening chores for each child, plus some things that they each just have to do anyways (e.g. the older kids do their own laundry). These rotate each week.
We also use big chores for discipline. I know some people don't like this idea, but for us, we frame it as something like reparation: if we do something to distress or hurt the family, then we do something to *help* the family to help make up for it. It also helps because it gets the offender out of the public space and gives them physical work to do and time to recover emotionally.
We also do work around the house or outside when people are getting fractious in the house. Not as a punishment, but because heavy work is grounding. Something like filling the woodbox or vacuuming is a really good change of pace.
Finally, when I'm getting really frustrated with the state of the house, I have found that saying something like "everyone please find one thing to do to make the house nicer for our family" is really positive. The kids like having choice and they will often respond really well to this, and in only a few minutes, things will be better. (Another version of this is making a list of chores and having them choose which ones to do.)
With your 4-year-old, harness that "want to help" energy! A floor swept by a 4-year-old is still better than an unswept floor. My 4-year-old loves to help set the table and sort and fold the laundry. Also, to wash the windows, wipe down tables, etc. If you lower your standards a bit, they can do a lot to help, and they love to feel that their contributions matter!