I did not grow up in a very whole-family environment and knew that, in adulthood, that was what I longed for. To be home with my someday children. From a young age, too, I was an artist at heart, and craved an artistic life -- but was instead pushed towards paths of "success."
So much of my education experience in high school, college, and then graduate school really built out the framework of VALUE and WORTH being placed on title, status, income, etc, so by the time I got the job and the title and the income -- I threw that all out the window in a recession, started a photography business (because I could be creative AND make money), and worked from home to build that so when we started a family, I could do both. Understandably, by this point, I couldn't really make sense of what it was I actually believed about the value of my work. As an artist, business owner, homemaker -- then mother -- who all along really just wanted to be a mom and write.
I don't love housework -- I love the feeling after the housework is done. I don't love the minutae, monotonous tasks of motherhood -- but I love the feeling of being present for my children's becoming.
I never expected to homeschool, that was a 2020 thing that's stuck around for us (for now), and I think that's added the most to the tension of what it is I'm trying to accomplish as a writer AND mother AND homemaker. Because many days I'm wondering how we even got here?
Often, I think, "It would just be so much easier on all of us if I wasn't trying to write." And yet, when I don't do that -- when I spent so many years not doing exactly that -- I'm not sure that I was operating out of the fullness of my gifts. Or maybe I was, and I'm romanticizing what I've long believed was some part of my vocation.
I don't know. I don't have answers and I'm living in the tension, trying to stay in the flow of the river and off the banks... but goodness it's hard.
This resonates with a lot of what I’ve been wondering about as a stay at home mom and lover of writing/reading/other hobbies. I think that act of bouncing off the banks is, so often, where I’m at, seesawing back and forth. I love that used Elizabeth Gaskell as a reflection point. She’s one of my favorite authors and also seems like one of the few authors I love who I can also admire unreservedly as a person.
I absolutely feel this tension. I love when you said that it turns out when we dedicate all our time to home, everything can get done! So true!! Thanks for sharing ❤️
I don't have an answer for this either. Like you, I need something, but finding a sustainable pace amidst the demands of family life is tricky. I'm planning to take about a month off, just to give my brain a break and allow me to focus on moving and settling in, but I think I've decided I really can't manage more than one post a week, which means that if I'd like to run two publications about separate topics, I have to alternate. But truthfully, I'd rather produce less content at a pace that's predictable and sustainable. Now, the questions will be whether that actually remains sustainable. It can often feel like failure to have to pivot for our limitations, but I don't think it's the end of the world really. I often have to remind myself that there is so much time left. And I can tell I'm getting tired, because what once felt energizing is now starting to feel like work. Not that there's not some discipline involved regardless, but perhaps it's good to listen to the ebbs and flows, that sometimes I just want to not do anything during naptime because I'm *tired*. I wonder if just planning to build in breaks periodically might be a good strategy -- and there's always the ability to pause any paid subscriptions here which I think is great because it takes off the pressure of needing to deliver something or give people their money's worth. But I think it might just be a constant juggling act for a while.
Goodness, this was good. Thanks for all these wonderful quotes along with your thoughts. I'll never not want to read about the real and normal tension of these things.
I have no idea how to achieve balance, I tend to go boom or bust several times throughout the year. My energy levels fluctuate so much that times of equilibrium tend to be short lived. Even when I give 100% to the home that's still in effect an outlet, as I simply channel my creative energies into decluttering and organising the house before I get tired again.
Unrelated but I'd love to read your murder mysteries!
Thank you for sharing this, Catherine! I decided to scale back my Substack publishing for this reason as well. I wanted more time to just "be" between the gathering and sharing of things online. I love what you've created here on Substack, but I also respect your decision to step away. I also appreciate that you named how domestic duties can be a real joy. I am learning this too. Thank you for naming tensions many people feel but can't quite articulate.
All. The. Time. My wife and I are always trying to balance self/art with work/home. More often than not self takes a backseat - hence my own recent silence on Substack - because of the home, the kids, the bills that need paying, but that's also not good - can't give from an empty cup.
Thanks for sharing Catherine! I completely relate. Just last week, I made myself a chore schedule and was absolutely crushing it, thinking to myself how much better life is when everything is kept in order, and then this week I went and bought myself an adult coloring book and colored pencils and have done approximately half of a chore. I can never seem to keep myself in the consistent rhythm I desperately want to believe is possible, without burning out or pendulum swinging to the opposite extreme. Where is the balance?!?
The tension is so real. Right now I am in a doldrums - sick of my children's neediness - I just aching for time to read, nap and plant the garden. My youngest is three, and having done this before I know that I am about 2 years out from some let up and space. But right now I am tired. I want to be able to read something more substantive, I want to play with my new water color paints, I want to do the 1000 piece puzzle that my mom gave me for my birthday a month ago.
Sometimes I can regather strength /stamina from treating the childcare/house work like a meditative practice. But sometimes I just long for them all to go away for a while so that I can think my thoughts and do my things.
I feel this tension too! It's why I share sparsely on substack, even when I have plenty of ideas and often draft them out longhand in my journal but then don't feel like transcribing them... somehow feels vain? I've certainly been grappling with vanity and frivolity when it comes to art, self expression, self reflection, and the good life. Interesting read.
The tension between the two banks is very real, and I think can only be escaped on the rare occasions when you find yourself in a flow state. I've gotten into a flow state when reading or writing, but repetitive motion housework sometimes does the trick too. When you are so immersed in the progress of a task that your mind goes blank instead of bubbling with all the other things that you could be doing - that is pure bliss. Getting jerked out of a flow state before it has run its course is as jarring as being jolted awake in the middle of a REM cycle.
Oh yes I am with you Catherine (and Elizabeth Gaskell too!) Home life trumps the artist's life, but it also inspires & enriches it. These two aspects of motherhood needn't be mutually exclusive, although one may feel all consuming at times whilst the other suffers extended periods of neglect. Even with our hands in the sink our minds are still free to ponder and roam, dream and imagine. When I finally find a slither of time to sit down & write, I find the floodgates open.
Mrs. Gaskell (is there any of her books which I have not read and appreciated?), I recall, lost her husband and had to write for income. For me, at the age of 10, I decided that I wanted to be an at-home mother (child and grandchild of women possessors of Baccalaurei in Artibus). Did two Classics degrees. Taught 3 years, retired to raise a family, sew all their clothes, raise almost all their vegetables, learned to do wet plaster on an historic house, and utterly loved it. Did a lot of unofficial homeschooling (all children went off to kindergarten already reading chapter books and doing arithmetic). Homeschooled youngest for her eighth grade year--because I had returned to teaching the previous year and was horrified by what I observed. I found homemaking the most fulfilling, joyful experience.
My Substack is very sporadic for this exact reason. I enjoy writing and want to get better at it, but with homeschooling and small kids (and a pregnancy), it simply isn't always the most important or life giving thing for me to be doing.
Outstanding thoughts and great references. Looking at Alexandra L’s comment, my response is that there is no answer and no remedy, at least in the definitive sense. Although I don’t like equating humans with machinery, Klotz pretty much has it right: we have a finite capacity; therefore we need to use our time well. We do have to discard non-productive activities (bad stuff) and we have to do more of the better good stuff. But, and perhaps these are the key tricks, we have to decide which is which, and moreover, achieve a balance. Sometimes cooking family meals for the week is right; sometimes it needs to be a glass of chilled white as the sun goes down over the Aegean. If anyone comes up with a formula, I can write the app and we can employ Jeff Bezos as our butler…
I did not grow up in a very whole-family environment and knew that, in adulthood, that was what I longed for. To be home with my someday children. From a young age, too, I was an artist at heart, and craved an artistic life -- but was instead pushed towards paths of "success."
So much of my education experience in high school, college, and then graduate school really built out the framework of VALUE and WORTH being placed on title, status, income, etc, so by the time I got the job and the title and the income -- I threw that all out the window in a recession, started a photography business (because I could be creative AND make money), and worked from home to build that so when we started a family, I could do both. Understandably, by this point, I couldn't really make sense of what it was I actually believed about the value of my work. As an artist, business owner, homemaker -- then mother -- who all along really just wanted to be a mom and write.
I don't love housework -- I love the feeling after the housework is done. I don't love the minutae, monotonous tasks of motherhood -- but I love the feeling of being present for my children's becoming.
I never expected to homeschool, that was a 2020 thing that's stuck around for us (for now), and I think that's added the most to the tension of what it is I'm trying to accomplish as a writer AND mother AND homemaker. Because many days I'm wondering how we even got here?
Often, I think, "It would just be so much easier on all of us if I wasn't trying to write." And yet, when I don't do that -- when I spent so many years not doing exactly that -- I'm not sure that I was operating out of the fullness of my gifts. Or maybe I was, and I'm romanticizing what I've long believed was some part of my vocation.
I don't know. I don't have answers and I'm living in the tension, trying to stay in the flow of the river and off the banks... but goodness it's hard.
This resonates with a lot of what I’ve been wondering about as a stay at home mom and lover of writing/reading/other hobbies. I think that act of bouncing off the banks is, so often, where I’m at, seesawing back and forth. I love that used Elizabeth Gaskell as a reflection point. She’s one of my favorite authors and also seems like one of the few authors I love who I can also admire unreservedly as a person.
I absolutely feel this tension. I love when you said that it turns out when we dedicate all our time to home, everything can get done! So true!! Thanks for sharing ❤️
I don't have an answer for this either. Like you, I need something, but finding a sustainable pace amidst the demands of family life is tricky. I'm planning to take about a month off, just to give my brain a break and allow me to focus on moving and settling in, but I think I've decided I really can't manage more than one post a week, which means that if I'd like to run two publications about separate topics, I have to alternate. But truthfully, I'd rather produce less content at a pace that's predictable and sustainable. Now, the questions will be whether that actually remains sustainable. It can often feel like failure to have to pivot for our limitations, but I don't think it's the end of the world really. I often have to remind myself that there is so much time left. And I can tell I'm getting tired, because what once felt energizing is now starting to feel like work. Not that there's not some discipline involved regardless, but perhaps it's good to listen to the ebbs and flows, that sometimes I just want to not do anything during naptime because I'm *tired*. I wonder if just planning to build in breaks periodically might be a good strategy -- and there's always the ability to pause any paid subscriptions here which I think is great because it takes off the pressure of needing to deliver something or give people their money's worth. But I think it might just be a constant juggling act for a while.
Goodness, this was good. Thanks for all these wonderful quotes along with your thoughts. I'll never not want to read about the real and normal tension of these things.
I have no idea how to achieve balance, I tend to go boom or bust several times throughout the year. My energy levels fluctuate so much that times of equilibrium tend to be short lived. Even when I give 100% to the home that's still in effect an outlet, as I simply channel my creative energies into decluttering and organising the house before I get tired again.
Unrelated but I'd love to read your murder mysteries!
Thank you for sharing this, Catherine! I decided to scale back my Substack publishing for this reason as well. I wanted more time to just "be" between the gathering and sharing of things online. I love what you've created here on Substack, but I also respect your decision to step away. I also appreciate that you named how domestic duties can be a real joy. I am learning this too. Thank you for naming tensions many people feel but can't quite articulate.
All. The. Time. My wife and I are always trying to balance self/art with work/home. More often than not self takes a backseat - hence my own recent silence on Substack - because of the home, the kids, the bills that need paying, but that's also not good - can't give from an empty cup.
Thanks for sharing Catherine! I completely relate. Just last week, I made myself a chore schedule and was absolutely crushing it, thinking to myself how much better life is when everything is kept in order, and then this week I went and bought myself an adult coloring book and colored pencils and have done approximately half of a chore. I can never seem to keep myself in the consistent rhythm I desperately want to believe is possible, without burning out or pendulum swinging to the opposite extreme. Where is the balance?!?
The tension is so real. Right now I am in a doldrums - sick of my children's neediness - I just aching for time to read, nap and plant the garden. My youngest is three, and having done this before I know that I am about 2 years out from some let up and space. But right now I am tired. I want to be able to read something more substantive, I want to play with my new water color paints, I want to do the 1000 piece puzzle that my mom gave me for my birthday a month ago.
Sometimes I can regather strength /stamina from treating the childcare/house work like a meditative practice. But sometimes I just long for them all to go away for a while so that I can think my thoughts and do my things.
I feel this tension too! It's why I share sparsely on substack, even when I have plenty of ideas and often draft them out longhand in my journal but then don't feel like transcribing them... somehow feels vain? I've certainly been grappling with vanity and frivolity when it comes to art, self expression, self reflection, and the good life. Interesting read.
The tension between the two banks is very real, and I think can only be escaped on the rare occasions when you find yourself in a flow state. I've gotten into a flow state when reading or writing, but repetitive motion housework sometimes does the trick too. When you are so immersed in the progress of a task that your mind goes blank instead of bubbling with all the other things that you could be doing - that is pure bliss. Getting jerked out of a flow state before it has run its course is as jarring as being jolted awake in the middle of a REM cycle.
Oh yes I am with you Catherine (and Elizabeth Gaskell too!) Home life trumps the artist's life, but it also inspires & enriches it. These two aspects of motherhood needn't be mutually exclusive, although one may feel all consuming at times whilst the other suffers extended periods of neglect. Even with our hands in the sink our minds are still free to ponder and roam, dream and imagine. When I finally find a slither of time to sit down & write, I find the floodgates open.
Thank you for sharing Mother Reader too 🥰📚
Mrs. Gaskell (is there any of her books which I have not read and appreciated?), I recall, lost her husband and had to write for income. For me, at the age of 10, I decided that I wanted to be an at-home mother (child and grandchild of women possessors of Baccalaurei in Artibus). Did two Classics degrees. Taught 3 years, retired to raise a family, sew all their clothes, raise almost all their vegetables, learned to do wet plaster on an historic house, and utterly loved it. Did a lot of unofficial homeschooling (all children went off to kindergarten already reading chapter books and doing arithmetic). Homeschooled youngest for her eighth grade year--because I had returned to teaching the previous year and was horrified by what I observed. I found homemaking the most fulfilling, joyful experience.
My Substack is very sporadic for this exact reason. I enjoy writing and want to get better at it, but with homeschooling and small kids (and a pregnancy), it simply isn't always the most important or life giving thing for me to be doing.
Outstanding thoughts and great references. Looking at Alexandra L’s comment, my response is that there is no answer and no remedy, at least in the definitive sense. Although I don’t like equating humans with machinery, Klotz pretty much has it right: we have a finite capacity; therefore we need to use our time well. We do have to discard non-productive activities (bad stuff) and we have to do more of the better good stuff. But, and perhaps these are the key tricks, we have to decide which is which, and moreover, achieve a balance. Sometimes cooking family meals for the week is right; sometimes it needs to be a glass of chilled white as the sun goes down over the Aegean. If anyone comes up with a formula, I can write the app and we can employ Jeff Bezos as our butler…