“I especially don’t want my children growing up thinking that what mothers do with their spare time is clear up after everyone else.”
Wow. I wish every mom I know would take this to heart. There is such a difference between taking homemaking and service to others seriously, and just being the family maid at all times.
Well, I’m not sure that I always manage to get the balance quite right. But the intention is there! Should my daughter ever want to be a stay-at-home mother, I want to make sure she knows that there is more to life than having a perfect home. (At least I hope there is, because my home is certainly very far from perfect!)
I so agree with this! But as the author commented, implementing feels tricky. I’m zero bothered by being interrupted from dishes. The frustration that follows from trying to give attention to something more (book, podcast, etc.) and then being interrupted is so hard that sometimes I just don’t want to engage anything more life giving until after bedtimes. But gosh, similar, I don’t want kids to think I’m the in-house maid. And yet, the housework, the home education, the other aspects of managing the household, it all feels pretty full-time. Sometimes I feel like the entire set-up, without genuine external support (outside of immediate family) makes it almost impossible to live whole. Just musing…
How old are your children Laurie? I totally sympathise with not wanting to even try to engage with anything ‘extra’ until the children are in bed, and when they were younger I actually found life ran more smoothly for everyone if I did focus pretty exclusively on the family and the home. It’s obviously not something you’d want to do long-term, but I also don’t think anyone should feel obliged to read a book/knit a jumper/write a poem if their plate is already 100% full. I definitely see the children spending more time without me now, and also I see that I have the capacity for things beyond basic everyday survival - and not just capacity, I have the desire and even the need for other things.
Also I totally agree, it is incredibly demanding bringing up a family in the 21st century - especially when you homeschool. I know we have so much that makes life easier, but I really feel the absence of a ‘village’ of extended family who would make everyone’s burden so much lighter.
Exactly this. It’s simply impossible for me to *not* to do those household tasks in the spare moments (often while listening to an audiobook if they are occupied) because with 3 boys four and under along with myself being there all day, if I get behind….. there is an actual avalanche that will be there at a later time, and I’ve learned it’s not always worth it to slide on the tasks in the spare moments if it means there’s an evening’s worth of catch-up to do for my husband and I at the end of the day! Such a quandary. But our kids are also SO young that it’s just kind of the reality. Maybe this is why I’ve had so many breakdowns and low moments in the last year and a half. It doesn’t feel sustainable with the lack of any help of any kind.
With three boys under four I think it’s amazing you even have time to read and write and Substack, and I totally get that the housework is essential rather than optional. Personally I have very low standards, and when the children were smaller the standards were even lower. I remember telling my mum there was no point cleaning the bathroom sink because in a few days’ time it would look just the same as if I hadn’t bothered! As the children have got older I have raised the standards somewhat. It’s a fine line between just-about-bearable and insanity-inducing.
I agree, it’s not sustainable. I’m not surprised you have low moments and I wish I lived next door to sometimes lend a hand! The good news is that although it’s not sustainable, it’s also not forever. I promise it will get easier. One day soon you too will be wondering how best to fill all those idle moments…
The reading and substacking is really my only "outlet" so to speak for such engagement with ideas and keeping that spark of intellect alive for myself — and hopefully for my family. :) The weekly newsletter practice has honestly been so important and essential for me the past few years. It's a good practice that has taught me that balance of care/housework/service and being a person/tending to my own self (which does mean lowered cleanliness expectations!)
I’m sorry to hear it! It is really hard. (as Jen Fulwiler says: You’re not crazy, it’s hard. You’re meant to have a village.) Also I have heard that it gets easier once the oldest hits 4-6 (girls usually younger, boys usually older) and can do simple tasks on their own or actually be helpful in small ways. I knew a mom, pregnant with #3, who would put sippy cups of milk in the fridge so that all day when her boys wanted milk, the oldest who was 4 could get it for himself and his brother, age 2. Small but life-changing for her.
Yes! I believe it basically is impossible without support. I mean, it can be done, but usually at the cost of someone’s sanity at some point. Paid help or family help or a reliable community is essential.
I think a handicraft like knitting/crocheting/sewing is a good one for occupying yourself when your children are occupied. I have learned that I can’t do any complex knitting patterns, but otherwise it’s no problem to stop and start as needed (one of the reasons these crafts were traditionally “women’s work”!)
Caveat is that my son is 20 months and very social, so I knit about one row every three days 😂 But I think with older children you could make some good progress, and maybe even listen to a podcast or audiobook while you worked.
I like this idea and would love to one day manage to make a whole patchwork quilt by hand Claudia! Sometimes I struggle with the purpose of a handicraft. If I was making something that someone (even me!) would actually want it would feel more purposeful, but I don’t want to do something that feels like simply a way to kill time, if that makes sense? Do you manage to knit things that people actually wear/use? My level of knitting skill is some way off that, but it’s something to work towards!
I've never learnt to knit- I like sowing because it's so easy to undo! But I bet knitting would also be good for picking up and putting down. I've decided that my house is my canvas so am just trying to create with a view to making it as lovely as I can. Don't know if anyone else would want a quilt like mine but I'm so excited to put it on the bed :)
I second the crafting. I've (nearly) made my first patchwork quilt by hand using a technique called paper piecing. You definitely need a few kid free time slots to plan and cut it all but then you can just pick the little pieces up, hem them and take them around the house with you. It saved my sanity in my first year with 2 under 2. Embroidery can be really lovely too but requires a bit more brain power so may be good if yours are a bit older?
My son used a lot of screens in school when he attended. They had regular iPad time, apparently did nothing but watch movies in "music" class, and had a TV break in the classroom.
There were a lot of factors that led to my child being removed from that school, but screentime (and sugar!!) were definitely two of them. He's SO much better at playing independently now than he was a few months ago, and his mental health is better too.
I like to read in my spare moments; I pick one of the books I'm in the middle of that is lighter or non-fiction so I'm not as upset if I'm interrupted (part of why I started reading multiple books at once-- they all serve a different purpose).
As long as I'm not completely neglecting my household duties, I have zero guilt picking up a book. It's enriching to me AND it models that reading is important to my children. For what it's worth, I only read print books, partly because that's what I enjoy most as well as I value my kids seeing something other than a technological device in my hands.
Yes totally with you on the print books. I also find I can’t concentrate on a book on a screen. I read some research about how screen reading doesn’t have the same benefits as paper reading, which absolutely ran true for me. Also I like your idea of having a few different books on the go at once for different purposes. Do you find you manage to retain it all? Sometimes keeping track of one book is enough of a challenge for me!
That research seems to track for me personally! In this season of life, I manage to retain it all (definitely not when my kids were younger! They're 6 and 3 for reference). The key for me is the books all being quite distinct. For instance, right now I have a contemporary fiction, non-fiction, and slow & steady classic going. I also kind of trained myself to be able to read this way. I used to be a "one at a time only" gal so it took some time for my brain to adjust from that-- I needed to find a way to still read with younger kids & this is what I've found works for me :)
Catherine - you've described so well that quandry of what do to with the limited attention/time you have for something but then that thing is invariably interrupted - but at intervals you can't predict . I find it maddening too! I do housework during those breaks, yes. But I also sit down and play the piano, I do read (usually nonfiction - easier to jump in and out of)- sometimes outloud because I can't concentrate otherwise, I go outside and just sit and stare, I sing to myself, I get out colored pencils and make a greeting card for someone, etc. Also -- I applaud your commitment to give your children the gift of a Smart-phone free childhood. Mine are 8, 6, and 4 and I, like you, find it easy to not have them on phones/social media. But soon it will become much harder. Nevertheless, we are committed to their long-term thriving and that means no Smart phones/devices keeping them from developing well, especially in these formative years (pre 18 years old). Thank you for your work. Keep going!
Thank you Susie, your comments are always so kind and encouraging. I think going outside when we have the chance is a great idea, and it helps reduce the interruptions if we can stay out of our children’s sight! I am looking forward to warmer, drier weather so I can get out in the garden. It’s very reassuring to know I’m not alone!
I think about this a lot too, I actually bought an iPad to read Substack on as I was doing a lot of long form reading on my phone and I didn’t like how that looked to my son as to him I was just scrolling on my phone! I don’t have any games or apps on the iPad so to him it is just an ebook so it’s not attractive to him. We’ll definitely be delaying him having his own phone or iPad for a long time which is already a bit of an issue as all his cousins have iPads and so he wants one too! During the day when my kid is playing independently I definitely choose to read my book and I don’t feel guilty about it as I see it as an important job to role model both reading & resting throughout the day to my child so I’m that sense it IS work. I try and make a point of sitting down to read for an hour after lunch, which has the added benefit of making me a better happier parent in the afternoon. Or if I have chores to do I go and put on an audiobook as this also makes the housework feel like a restorative break :)
Finding a way to make housework a restorative break is truly an achievement! I think buying an iPad was a great move - if only all our favourite Substack writers came in a printed magazine, it would look and feel very different to spending hours glued to our phones.
Also I applaud you for reading for an hour after lunch. Such a good example for your son and such a good way to take care of yourself too. We are making slow and halting progress with quiet time after lunch but I’m determined to persevere!
I am absolutely on board with no smartphones/iPads for children but periodically I end up spending too much time on my phone (e.g. right now). When I have an exciting book on the go it's easier to pick that up rather than my phone, but my current reads aren't always compelling enough to stop the lure of the screen. I need to come up with better ways to prevent myself scrolling as I'm no good at consistently sticking to good habits! And what you say of children is just as true of me, in that I could be reading, knitting, sewing, drawing, writing etc etc instead of noodling around on social media. Not to mention the housework and gardening which get very little of my spare time (beyond the absolutely necessary tasks).
Also unrelated but I snaffled Heroes and Survivors from the annual library booksale yesterday, based on your recommendation. Beyond my kids right now but they look worth hanging on to. 🙂
Oh I’m so jealous you found those books at a library booksale, I hope the children enjoy them eventually.
I agree, a really compelling book is a great antidote to the lure of the phone, and not all books worth reading are quite so compelling. And those phones are so hard to keep permanently out of our hands. I find it is surprisingly effective to put the phone completely out of sight, and then I often forget about it for several hours. Turning it off is also good, because I won’t bother to turn it on for mindless scrolling, whereas I absolutely will mindlessly scroll if the phone is right there and awaiting only my thumb print!
I'm currently reading Survivors myself and I had to keep reading bits out to my husband. So many terrifying experiences!
Good tips for curbing phone use. I've gotten into handwork again which is helping too (repairing clothes, knitting socks etc). Something to keep my hands busy when I have an idle moment but need to sit down.
I’ve also put my phone as grayscale but it still sucks me in. More just getting caught up on messages and emails and of course the kids interrupt me 100x as I try to do so and I get so incredibly annoyed about it, but then I realize how I look to them and feel like poop. I wish it wasn’t a thing. I bought a Light phone but the Sim is an issue so it’s not up and running yet. I don’t want my kids to have phones until they’re…old. Ever. I don’t even want it. It feels absolutely toxic in every way yet I can’t make it go away.
I also get super frustrated when interrupted while listening to a book or writing like I was this morning. It makes me angry then again I feel bad because it’s not their fault I’m trying to get a moment of me time. Idk the balance. Haven’t figured it out yet. Will be sure to share when I do. Raising kids is hard. I’m so grateful you shared the anti-phone movement. I finally feel less alone about that
I so sympathise with all of this. Phones are so hard to manage partly because they ARE useful - messages and emails and, as I realised this week, logging in to banking services now that every company wants to send a passcode to your phone when you log in on the computer. ARGH! For me, I don’t think getting rid of the phone entirely is a viable option, though I would dearly love to.
I also know exactly what you mean about getting frustrated when the children interrupt you. They’re obviously not doing anything wrong by trying to talk to us and it can feel like we shouldn’t even bother trying to have the time to ourselves in the first place. Equally it’s not unreasonable for a parent to have some time to themselves, and our children need to learn that we can ask for peace and quiet sometimes. I think one thing that helps is accepting that you WILL be interrupted. And maybe gently saying that you need some quiet time so could they please wait X minutes, or whatever. Rachael Ringenberg mentioned ages ago that her children do eventually get the message, and at least if you’re expecting the interruptions you’re less irritated when they inevitably happen. I did this when waiting for babies to sleep through the night - instead of hoping they would, I just expected that they wouldn’t. At least the way I wasn’t disappointed, and I was occasionally pleasantly surprised!
Such a great post! xx Sorry to hear about the pool mishap. Those moments get under my skin, too, and it’s almost like I have to homeschool myself: walk myself through emotional regulation just like I would the children. Also, I am not judging anyone who does, but my husband and I decided not to have smartphones until we were 18. No social media either. I have a lot of strong feelings about it for our family.
It’s a good reminder that if I can’t always control my emotions as well as I’d like, what chance do my young children have of getting it right every time!
This is a really tough one (video games). With screen time (all million of them), social media, vast majority of “Western culture” glamorizing hedonism and more. I have to say the Amish and Luddites were on to something. I see the side eyes and grumbling when I enforce screen time regulations from ADULTS. My son is 2, so I haven’t had to think about video games but it’s around the corner thanks to iPads.
I worry because we have all known or heard the story (both for me) of someone who didn’t get access to tech until 18 and completely couldn’t handle it. But, now it’s pretty much unhandled for all ages.
This is on my radar now. Thanks for starting the discussion.
Wow, thank you so much Opal for this stark and honest warning. What a battle - but a worthwhile one - you are fighting. You have certainly strengthened my resolve with regards to video games and my two children!
“I especially don’t want my children growing up thinking that what mothers do with their spare time is clear up after everyone else.”
Wow. I wish every mom I know would take this to heart. There is such a difference between taking homemaking and service to others seriously, and just being the family maid at all times.
Well, I’m not sure that I always manage to get the balance quite right. But the intention is there! Should my daughter ever want to be a stay-at-home mother, I want to make sure she knows that there is more to life than having a perfect home. (At least I hope there is, because my home is certainly very far from perfect!)
I so agree with this! But as the author commented, implementing feels tricky. I’m zero bothered by being interrupted from dishes. The frustration that follows from trying to give attention to something more (book, podcast, etc.) and then being interrupted is so hard that sometimes I just don’t want to engage anything more life giving until after bedtimes. But gosh, similar, I don’t want kids to think I’m the in-house maid. And yet, the housework, the home education, the other aspects of managing the household, it all feels pretty full-time. Sometimes I feel like the entire set-up, without genuine external support (outside of immediate family) makes it almost impossible to live whole. Just musing…
How old are your children Laurie? I totally sympathise with not wanting to even try to engage with anything ‘extra’ until the children are in bed, and when they were younger I actually found life ran more smoothly for everyone if I did focus pretty exclusively on the family and the home. It’s obviously not something you’d want to do long-term, but I also don’t think anyone should feel obliged to read a book/knit a jumper/write a poem if their plate is already 100% full. I definitely see the children spending more time without me now, and also I see that I have the capacity for things beyond basic everyday survival - and not just capacity, I have the desire and even the need for other things.
Also I totally agree, it is incredibly demanding bringing up a family in the 21st century - especially when you homeschool. I know we have so much that makes life easier, but I really feel the absence of a ‘village’ of extended family who would make everyone’s burden so much lighter.
Exactly this. It’s simply impossible for me to *not* to do those household tasks in the spare moments (often while listening to an audiobook if they are occupied) because with 3 boys four and under along with myself being there all day, if I get behind….. there is an actual avalanche that will be there at a later time, and I’ve learned it’s not always worth it to slide on the tasks in the spare moments if it means there’s an evening’s worth of catch-up to do for my husband and I at the end of the day! Such a quandary. But our kids are also SO young that it’s just kind of the reality. Maybe this is why I’ve had so many breakdowns and low moments in the last year and a half. It doesn’t feel sustainable with the lack of any help of any kind.
With three boys under four I think it’s amazing you even have time to read and write and Substack, and I totally get that the housework is essential rather than optional. Personally I have very low standards, and when the children were smaller the standards were even lower. I remember telling my mum there was no point cleaning the bathroom sink because in a few days’ time it would look just the same as if I hadn’t bothered! As the children have got older I have raised the standards somewhat. It’s a fine line between just-about-bearable and insanity-inducing.
I agree, it’s not sustainable. I’m not surprised you have low moments and I wish I lived next door to sometimes lend a hand! The good news is that although it’s not sustainable, it’s also not forever. I promise it will get easier. One day soon you too will be wondering how best to fill all those idle moments…
The reading and substacking is really my only "outlet" so to speak for such engagement with ideas and keeping that spark of intellect alive for myself — and hopefully for my family. :) The weekly newsletter practice has honestly been so important and essential for me the past few years. It's a good practice that has taught me that balance of care/housework/service and being a person/tending to my own self (which does mean lowered cleanliness expectations!)
I’m sorry to hear it! It is really hard. (as Jen Fulwiler says: You’re not crazy, it’s hard. You’re meant to have a village.) Also I have heard that it gets easier once the oldest hits 4-6 (girls usually younger, boys usually older) and can do simple tasks on their own or actually be helpful in small ways. I knew a mom, pregnant with #3, who would put sippy cups of milk in the fridge so that all day when her boys wanted milk, the oldest who was 4 could get it for himself and his brother, age 2. Small but life-changing for her.
I'm asked for milk maybe 30 times a day it seems hahaha that's a good hack.
Yes! I believe it basically is impossible without support. I mean, it can be done, but usually at the cost of someone’s sanity at some point. Paid help or family help or a reliable community is essential.
I think a handicraft like knitting/crocheting/sewing is a good one for occupying yourself when your children are occupied. I have learned that I can’t do any complex knitting patterns, but otherwise it’s no problem to stop and start as needed (one of the reasons these crafts were traditionally “women’s work”!)
Caveat is that my son is 20 months and very social, so I knit about one row every three days 😂 But I think with older children you could make some good progress, and maybe even listen to a podcast or audiobook while you worked.
I like this idea and would love to one day manage to make a whole patchwork quilt by hand Claudia! Sometimes I struggle with the purpose of a handicraft. If I was making something that someone (even me!) would actually want it would feel more purposeful, but I don’t want to do something that feels like simply a way to kill time, if that makes sense? Do you manage to knit things that people actually wear/use? My level of knitting skill is some way off that, but it’s something to work towards!
I've never learnt to knit- I like sowing because it's so easy to undo! But I bet knitting would also be good for picking up and putting down. I've decided that my house is my canvas so am just trying to create with a view to making it as lovely as I can. Don't know if anyone else would want a quilt like mine but I'm so excited to put it on the bed :)
I second the crafting. I've (nearly) made my first patchwork quilt by hand using a technique called paper piecing. You definitely need a few kid free time slots to plan and cut it all but then you can just pick the little pieces up, hem them and take them around the house with you. It saved my sanity in my first year with 2 under 2. Embroidery can be really lovely too but requires a bit more brain power so may be good if yours are a bit older?
This is amazing! I would love to see a photo of the (nearly) finished quilt!
My son used a lot of screens in school when he attended. They had regular iPad time, apparently did nothing but watch movies in "music" class, and had a TV break in the classroom.
There were a lot of factors that led to my child being removed from that school, but screentime (and sugar!!) were definitely two of them. He's SO much better at playing independently now than he was a few months ago, and his mental health is better too.
👏🏼
Wow, that is a lot of screen time in the school day! So pleased to hear he is doing better without it. Don’t get me started on sugar…!
I like to read in my spare moments; I pick one of the books I'm in the middle of that is lighter or non-fiction so I'm not as upset if I'm interrupted (part of why I started reading multiple books at once-- they all serve a different purpose).
As long as I'm not completely neglecting my household duties, I have zero guilt picking up a book. It's enriching to me AND it models that reading is important to my children. For what it's worth, I only read print books, partly because that's what I enjoy most as well as I value my kids seeing something other than a technological device in my hands.
Yes totally with you on the print books. I also find I can’t concentrate on a book on a screen. I read some research about how screen reading doesn’t have the same benefits as paper reading, which absolutely ran true for me. Also I like your idea of having a few different books on the go at once for different purposes. Do you find you manage to retain it all? Sometimes keeping track of one book is enough of a challenge for me!
That research seems to track for me personally! In this season of life, I manage to retain it all (definitely not when my kids were younger! They're 6 and 3 for reference). The key for me is the books all being quite distinct. For instance, right now I have a contemporary fiction, non-fiction, and slow & steady classic going. I also kind of trained myself to be able to read this way. I used to be a "one at a time only" gal so it took some time for my brain to adjust from that-- I needed to find a way to still read with younger kids & this is what I've found works for me :)
Catherine - you've described so well that quandry of what do to with the limited attention/time you have for something but then that thing is invariably interrupted - but at intervals you can't predict . I find it maddening too! I do housework during those breaks, yes. But I also sit down and play the piano, I do read (usually nonfiction - easier to jump in and out of)- sometimes outloud because I can't concentrate otherwise, I go outside and just sit and stare, I sing to myself, I get out colored pencils and make a greeting card for someone, etc. Also -- I applaud your commitment to give your children the gift of a Smart-phone free childhood. Mine are 8, 6, and 4 and I, like you, find it easy to not have them on phones/social media. But soon it will become much harder. Nevertheless, we are committed to their long-term thriving and that means no Smart phones/devices keeping them from developing well, especially in these formative years (pre 18 years old). Thank you for your work. Keep going!
Thank you Susie, your comments are always so kind and encouraging. I think going outside when we have the chance is a great idea, and it helps reduce the interruptions if we can stay out of our children’s sight! I am looking forward to warmer, drier weather so I can get out in the garden. It’s very reassuring to know I’m not alone!
I think about this a lot too, I actually bought an iPad to read Substack on as I was doing a lot of long form reading on my phone and I didn’t like how that looked to my son as to him I was just scrolling on my phone! I don’t have any games or apps on the iPad so to him it is just an ebook so it’s not attractive to him. We’ll definitely be delaying him having his own phone or iPad for a long time which is already a bit of an issue as all his cousins have iPads and so he wants one too! During the day when my kid is playing independently I definitely choose to read my book and I don’t feel guilty about it as I see it as an important job to role model both reading & resting throughout the day to my child so I’m that sense it IS work. I try and make a point of sitting down to read for an hour after lunch, which has the added benefit of making me a better happier parent in the afternoon. Or if I have chores to do I go and put on an audiobook as this also makes the housework feel like a restorative break :)
Finding a way to make housework a restorative break is truly an achievement! I think buying an iPad was a great move - if only all our favourite Substack writers came in a printed magazine, it would look and feel very different to spending hours glued to our phones.
Also I applaud you for reading for an hour after lunch. Such a good example for your son and such a good way to take care of yourself too. We are making slow and halting progress with quiet time after lunch but I’m determined to persevere!
I am absolutely on board with no smartphones/iPads for children but periodically I end up spending too much time on my phone (e.g. right now). When I have an exciting book on the go it's easier to pick that up rather than my phone, but my current reads aren't always compelling enough to stop the lure of the screen. I need to come up with better ways to prevent myself scrolling as I'm no good at consistently sticking to good habits! And what you say of children is just as true of me, in that I could be reading, knitting, sewing, drawing, writing etc etc instead of noodling around on social media. Not to mention the housework and gardening which get very little of my spare time (beyond the absolutely necessary tasks).
Also unrelated but I snaffled Heroes and Survivors from the annual library booksale yesterday, based on your recommendation. Beyond my kids right now but they look worth hanging on to. 🙂
Oh I’m so jealous you found those books at a library booksale, I hope the children enjoy them eventually.
I agree, a really compelling book is a great antidote to the lure of the phone, and not all books worth reading are quite so compelling. And those phones are so hard to keep permanently out of our hands. I find it is surprisingly effective to put the phone completely out of sight, and then I often forget about it for several hours. Turning it off is also good, because I won’t bother to turn it on for mindless scrolling, whereas I absolutely will mindlessly scroll if the phone is right there and awaiting only my thumb print!
I'm currently reading Survivors myself and I had to keep reading bits out to my husband. So many terrifying experiences!
Good tips for curbing phone use. I've gotten into handwork again which is helping too (repairing clothes, knitting socks etc). Something to keep my hands busy when I have an idle moment but need to sit down.
Yes I agree, the stories are amazing, I have found myself reading the book even without the children!
Oh I just saw others also recommended handicrafts! I'll just third that suggestion then.
I’ve also put my phone as grayscale but it still sucks me in. More just getting caught up on messages and emails and of course the kids interrupt me 100x as I try to do so and I get so incredibly annoyed about it, but then I realize how I look to them and feel like poop. I wish it wasn’t a thing. I bought a Light phone but the Sim is an issue so it’s not up and running yet. I don’t want my kids to have phones until they’re…old. Ever. I don’t even want it. It feels absolutely toxic in every way yet I can’t make it go away.
I also get super frustrated when interrupted while listening to a book or writing like I was this morning. It makes me angry then again I feel bad because it’s not their fault I’m trying to get a moment of me time. Idk the balance. Haven’t figured it out yet. Will be sure to share when I do. Raising kids is hard. I’m so grateful you shared the anti-phone movement. I finally feel less alone about that
I so sympathise with all of this. Phones are so hard to manage partly because they ARE useful - messages and emails and, as I realised this week, logging in to banking services now that every company wants to send a passcode to your phone when you log in on the computer. ARGH! For me, I don’t think getting rid of the phone entirely is a viable option, though I would dearly love to.
I also know exactly what you mean about getting frustrated when the children interrupt you. They’re obviously not doing anything wrong by trying to talk to us and it can feel like we shouldn’t even bother trying to have the time to ourselves in the first place. Equally it’s not unreasonable for a parent to have some time to themselves, and our children need to learn that we can ask for peace and quiet sometimes. I think one thing that helps is accepting that you WILL be interrupted. And maybe gently saying that you need some quiet time so could they please wait X minutes, or whatever. Rachael Ringenberg mentioned ages ago that her children do eventually get the message, and at least if you’re expecting the interruptions you’re less irritated when they inevitably happen. I did this when waiting for babies to sleep through the night - instead of hoping they would, I just expected that they wouldn’t. At least the way I wasn’t disappointed, and I was occasionally pleasantly surprised!
Such a great post! xx Sorry to hear about the pool mishap. Those moments get under my skin, too, and it’s almost like I have to homeschool myself: walk myself through emotional regulation just like I would the children. Also, I am not judging anyone who does, but my husband and I decided not to have smartphones until we were 18. No social media either. I have a lot of strong feelings about it for our family.
It’s a good reminder that if I can’t always control my emotions as well as I’d like, what chance do my young children have of getting it right every time!
This is a really tough one (video games). With screen time (all million of them), social media, vast majority of “Western culture” glamorizing hedonism and more. I have to say the Amish and Luddites were on to something. I see the side eyes and grumbling when I enforce screen time regulations from ADULTS. My son is 2, so I haven’t had to think about video games but it’s around the corner thanks to iPads.
I worry because we have all known or heard the story (both for me) of someone who didn’t get access to tech until 18 and completely couldn’t handle it. But, now it’s pretty much unhandled for all ages.
This is on my radar now. Thanks for starting the discussion.
Wow, thank you so much Opal for this stark and honest warning. What a battle - but a worthwhile one - you are fighting. You have certainly strengthened my resolve with regards to video games and my two children!