If you read Tuesday’s post, you’ll know we had a pretty good day. If I was a school teacher, I’d give Tuesday an A. Multiplication, fractions, pronouns, history, Greek, French, spelling, reading, even an actual pen being put to actual paper for an extended period!
“I especially don’t want my children growing up thinking that what mothers do with their spare time is clear up after everyone else.”
Wow. I wish every mom I know would take this to heart. There is such a difference between taking homemaking and service to others seriously, and just being the family maid at all times.
Stay away from video games as long as possible! I was an avid reader in high school and even younger. I'm talking, I would have my nose in a book while my friend led me down the hall between classes type reader. But, by the time I got to college, video games came on my radar and I picked up World of Warcraft. That was the end of me as an avid reader.
10 years of depression and coping with video games later and I am really struggling to get back my attention span for reading, and my husband (who I met on World of Warcraft 14 years ago, one BIG blessing!) and I still both struggle with video game addiction.
Every kid I know, my nieces and nephew, and my friends' kids, they all struggle with game addiction to games as seemingly innocuous as Minecraft. Even my 65 year old mother picked up Minecraft and spends a worrying amount of time on it.
The dopamine hacking is just as bad as social media, and the emotional dysregulation (temper tantrums galore) might even be worse.
I think a handicraft like knitting/crocheting/sewing is a good one for occupying yourself when your children are occupied. I have learned that I can’t do any complex knitting patterns, but otherwise it’s no problem to stop and start as needed (one of the reasons these crafts were traditionally “women’s work”!)
Caveat is that my son is 20 months and very social, so I knit about one row every three days 😂 But I think with older children you could make some good progress, and maybe even listen to a podcast or audiobook while you worked.
My son used a lot of screens in school when he attended. They had regular iPad time, apparently did nothing but watch movies in "music" class, and had a TV break in the classroom.
There were a lot of factors that led to my child being removed from that school, but screentime (and sugar!!) were definitely two of them. He's SO much better at playing independently now than he was a few months ago, and his mental health is better too.
I like to read in my spare moments; I pick one of the books I'm in the middle of that is lighter or non-fiction so I'm not as upset if I'm interrupted (part of why I started reading multiple books at once-- they all serve a different purpose).
As long as I'm not completely neglecting my household duties, I have zero guilt picking up a book. It's enriching to me AND it models that reading is important to my children. For what it's worth, I only read print books, partly because that's what I enjoy most as well as I value my kids seeing something other than a technological device in my hands.
Catherine - you've described so well that quandry of what do to with the limited attention/time you have for something but then that thing is invariably interrupted - but at intervals you can't predict . I find it maddening too! I do housework during those breaks, yes. But I also sit down and play the piano, I do read (usually nonfiction - easier to jump in and out of)- sometimes outloud because I can't concentrate otherwise, I go outside and just sit and stare, I sing to myself, I get out colored pencils and make a greeting card for someone, etc. Also -- I applaud your commitment to give your children the gift of a Smart-phone free childhood. Mine are 8, 6, and 4 and I, like you, find it easy to not have them on phones/social media. But soon it will become much harder. Nevertheless, we are committed to their long-term thriving and that means no Smart phones/devices keeping them from developing well, especially in these formative years (pre 18 years old). Thank you for your work. Keep going!
I think about this a lot too, I actually bought an iPad to read Substack on as I was doing a lot of long form reading on my phone and I didn’t like how that looked to my son as to him I was just scrolling on my phone! I don’t have any games or apps on the iPad so to him it is just an ebook so it’s not attractive to him. We’ll definitely be delaying him having his own phone or iPad for a long time which is already a bit of an issue as all his cousins have iPads and so he wants one too! During the day when my kid is playing independently I definitely choose to read my book and I don’t feel guilty about it as I see it as an important job to role model both reading & resting throughout the day to my child so I’m that sense it IS work. I try and make a point of sitting down to read for an hour after lunch, which has the added benefit of making me a better happier parent in the afternoon. Or if I have chores to do I go and put on an audiobook as this also makes the housework feel like a restorative break :)
I am absolutely on board with no smartphones/iPads for children but periodically I end up spending too much time on my phone (e.g. right now). When I have an exciting book on the go it's easier to pick that up rather than my phone, but my current reads aren't always compelling enough to stop the lure of the screen. I need to come up with better ways to prevent myself scrolling as I'm no good at consistently sticking to good habits! And what you say of children is just as true of me, in that I could be reading, knitting, sewing, drawing, writing etc etc instead of noodling around on social media. Not to mention the housework and gardening which get very little of my spare time (beyond the absolutely necessary tasks).
Also unrelated but I snaffled Heroes and Survivors from the annual library booksale yesterday, based on your recommendation. Beyond my kids right now but they look worth hanging on to. 🙂
I’ve also put my phone as grayscale but it still sucks me in. More just getting caught up on messages and emails and of course the kids interrupt me 100x as I try to do so and I get so incredibly annoyed about it, but then I realize how I look to them and feel like poop. I wish it wasn’t a thing. I bought a Light phone but the Sim is an issue so it’s not up and running yet. I don’t want my kids to have phones until they’re…old. Ever. I don’t even want it. It feels absolutely toxic in every way yet I can’t make it go away.
I also get super frustrated when interrupted while listening to a book or writing like I was this morning. It makes me angry then again I feel bad because it’s not their fault I’m trying to get a moment of me time. Idk the balance. Haven’t figured it out yet. Will be sure to share when I do. Raising kids is hard. I’m so grateful you shared the anti-phone movement. I finally feel less alone about that
Such a great post! xx Sorry to hear about the pool mishap. Those moments get under my skin, too, and it’s almost like I have to homeschool myself: walk myself through emotional regulation just like I would the children. Also, I am not judging anyone who does, but my husband and I decided not to have smartphones until we were 18. No social media either. I have a lot of strong feelings about it for our family.
This is a really tough one (video games). With screen time (all million of them), social media, vast majority of “Western culture” glamorizing hedonism and more. I have to say the Amish and Luddites were on to something. I see the side eyes and grumbling when I enforce screen time regulations from ADULTS. My son is 2, so I haven’t had to think about video games but it’s around the corner thanks to iPads.
I worry because we have all known or heard the story (both for me) of someone who didn’t get access to tech until 18 and completely couldn’t handle it. But, now it’s pretty much unhandled for all ages.
This is on my radar now. Thanks for starting the discussion.
“I especially don’t want my children growing up thinking that what mothers do with their spare time is clear up after everyone else.”
Wow. I wish every mom I know would take this to heart. There is such a difference between taking homemaking and service to others seriously, and just being the family maid at all times.
Stay away from video games as long as possible! I was an avid reader in high school and even younger. I'm talking, I would have my nose in a book while my friend led me down the hall between classes type reader. But, by the time I got to college, video games came on my radar and I picked up World of Warcraft. That was the end of me as an avid reader.
10 years of depression and coping with video games later and I am really struggling to get back my attention span for reading, and my husband (who I met on World of Warcraft 14 years ago, one BIG blessing!) and I still both struggle with video game addiction.
Every kid I know, my nieces and nephew, and my friends' kids, they all struggle with game addiction to games as seemingly innocuous as Minecraft. Even my 65 year old mother picked up Minecraft and spends a worrying amount of time on it.
The dopamine hacking is just as bad as social media, and the emotional dysregulation (temper tantrums galore) might even be worse.
I think a handicraft like knitting/crocheting/sewing is a good one for occupying yourself when your children are occupied. I have learned that I can’t do any complex knitting patterns, but otherwise it’s no problem to stop and start as needed (one of the reasons these crafts were traditionally “women’s work”!)
Caveat is that my son is 20 months and very social, so I knit about one row every three days 😂 But I think with older children you could make some good progress, and maybe even listen to a podcast or audiobook while you worked.
My son used a lot of screens in school when he attended. They had regular iPad time, apparently did nothing but watch movies in "music" class, and had a TV break in the classroom.
There were a lot of factors that led to my child being removed from that school, but screentime (and sugar!!) were definitely two of them. He's SO much better at playing independently now than he was a few months ago, and his mental health is better too.
I like to read in my spare moments; I pick one of the books I'm in the middle of that is lighter or non-fiction so I'm not as upset if I'm interrupted (part of why I started reading multiple books at once-- they all serve a different purpose).
As long as I'm not completely neglecting my household duties, I have zero guilt picking up a book. It's enriching to me AND it models that reading is important to my children. For what it's worth, I only read print books, partly because that's what I enjoy most as well as I value my kids seeing something other than a technological device in my hands.
Catherine - you've described so well that quandry of what do to with the limited attention/time you have for something but then that thing is invariably interrupted - but at intervals you can't predict . I find it maddening too! I do housework during those breaks, yes. But I also sit down and play the piano, I do read (usually nonfiction - easier to jump in and out of)- sometimes outloud because I can't concentrate otherwise, I go outside and just sit and stare, I sing to myself, I get out colored pencils and make a greeting card for someone, etc. Also -- I applaud your commitment to give your children the gift of a Smart-phone free childhood. Mine are 8, 6, and 4 and I, like you, find it easy to not have them on phones/social media. But soon it will become much harder. Nevertheless, we are committed to their long-term thriving and that means no Smart phones/devices keeping them from developing well, especially in these formative years (pre 18 years old). Thank you for your work. Keep going!
I think about this a lot too, I actually bought an iPad to read Substack on as I was doing a lot of long form reading on my phone and I didn’t like how that looked to my son as to him I was just scrolling on my phone! I don’t have any games or apps on the iPad so to him it is just an ebook so it’s not attractive to him. We’ll definitely be delaying him having his own phone or iPad for a long time which is already a bit of an issue as all his cousins have iPads and so he wants one too! During the day when my kid is playing independently I definitely choose to read my book and I don’t feel guilty about it as I see it as an important job to role model both reading & resting throughout the day to my child so I’m that sense it IS work. I try and make a point of sitting down to read for an hour after lunch, which has the added benefit of making me a better happier parent in the afternoon. Or if I have chores to do I go and put on an audiobook as this also makes the housework feel like a restorative break :)
I am absolutely on board with no smartphones/iPads for children but periodically I end up spending too much time on my phone (e.g. right now). When I have an exciting book on the go it's easier to pick that up rather than my phone, but my current reads aren't always compelling enough to stop the lure of the screen. I need to come up with better ways to prevent myself scrolling as I'm no good at consistently sticking to good habits! And what you say of children is just as true of me, in that I could be reading, knitting, sewing, drawing, writing etc etc instead of noodling around on social media. Not to mention the housework and gardening which get very little of my spare time (beyond the absolutely necessary tasks).
Also unrelated but I snaffled Heroes and Survivors from the annual library booksale yesterday, based on your recommendation. Beyond my kids right now but they look worth hanging on to. 🙂
I’ve also put my phone as grayscale but it still sucks me in. More just getting caught up on messages and emails and of course the kids interrupt me 100x as I try to do so and I get so incredibly annoyed about it, but then I realize how I look to them and feel like poop. I wish it wasn’t a thing. I bought a Light phone but the Sim is an issue so it’s not up and running yet. I don’t want my kids to have phones until they’re…old. Ever. I don’t even want it. It feels absolutely toxic in every way yet I can’t make it go away.
I also get super frustrated when interrupted while listening to a book or writing like I was this morning. It makes me angry then again I feel bad because it’s not their fault I’m trying to get a moment of me time. Idk the balance. Haven’t figured it out yet. Will be sure to share when I do. Raising kids is hard. I’m so grateful you shared the anti-phone movement. I finally feel less alone about that
Such a great post! xx Sorry to hear about the pool mishap. Those moments get under my skin, too, and it’s almost like I have to homeschool myself: walk myself through emotional regulation just like I would the children. Also, I am not judging anyone who does, but my husband and I decided not to have smartphones until we were 18. No social media either. I have a lot of strong feelings about it for our family.
This is a really tough one (video games). With screen time (all million of them), social media, vast majority of “Western culture” glamorizing hedonism and more. I have to say the Amish and Luddites were on to something. I see the side eyes and grumbling when I enforce screen time regulations from ADULTS. My son is 2, so I haven’t had to think about video games but it’s around the corner thanks to iPads.
I worry because we have all known or heard the story (both for me) of someone who didn’t get access to tech until 18 and completely couldn’t handle it. But, now it’s pretty much unhandled for all ages.
This is on my radar now. Thanks for starting the discussion.