My eldest hates, and has always hated, facing challenges. She finds that so many things come naturally to her, when something is initially difficult she will drop it immediately. She has been this way since she was a baby. It’s very frustrating as a parent! Often she comes back to something and somehow, without putting in any work, she has mastered it. Other things never get started (learning to ride a bike) or progress is slow (learning to read). She also lives a very comfortable life and thinks money grows on trees. I’m sure I’m not alone!
For independence, our local Home Ed group is brilliant. There are enough parents around the park and cafe that all the kids roam freely. I check regularly that she’s still on site, but otherwise she has three blissful hours of freedom. It does her the world of good.
This is something I like about traveling - it puts us in very different and at times difficult situations. Trying to figure out how to find your airbnb in the middle of night in a completely strange country with a completely new language is a great way to test staying calm, problem solving, being vigilant and working as a team. I think our family is stronger for all those experiences...
I love this post. Had a conversation about this with another parent recently. Apparently children who are not allowed to do anything more adventurous are more prone to accidents as teenagers/grown ups as they don't have a well developed ability to assess risks. As for me as a mum, I try my best to let my 6yo struggle (it is super haaaard). The other day we went for a family bike ride and our girl got stuck half way through a somewhat large hill. I was already at the top waiting for her and this man in park saw us and offered to give her a push. I thanked him and explained to him that I want for her to conquer that hill on her own as she needs to practice being resilient. Also, I let our daughter play with matches/ lighters when I'm present in the same space. We went to Go Ape when she was under 5 and she did great. I must have been more scared than her! It's often times much easier to do things for our kids (zip their coats etc.) but it's a slippery slope. At the end of the day, our role as parents is to prepare our kids to navigate this world on their own and with confidence not fear.
Love this post! I'm exploring homeschooling with my boys next year and looking to learn from the collective wisdom of those who've gone before. I had never heard of Let Grow before and am really enjoying their free resources. Thanks!
Really enojyed this. Thank you, Catherine! I am thinking these days about how to introduce friction into my life because I've realized it does other good things in me that I say I want -- grow patience, develop grit, problem solve, engage. (ie no GPS driving around, placing my phone inconveniently far from me, writing by hand instead of typing, baking bread, etc)
My husband takes our oldest three to Colorado to hike mountains that are over 14,000 feet high every summer. It is a perfect example of a challenge that, while they may not "enjoy" it during the hike (and sometimes are in tears!), they all want to do it again next summer (and the younger children cannot wait until they get to join!). But yes, it is hard to watch/let our kids struggle and even suffer a little. This is one reason why fathers tend to help their children learn through challenges a bit better than mothers. We don't want to see our kids struggle, but it doesn't' seem to bother my husband as much as it does me.
I love this post! I’m so thankful I grew up having an childhood without smart phones, they had just come out I believe right as I was graduating? I can’t quite remember because I refused to get one until my flip phone just gave out. I have so many memories just roaming around the neighborhood and being away from my parents. It was just “ok I’m going outside” and then come back later. I fell out of trees too from way up high! I was fine. LOL. I think at this point I’m challenged by our living situation (which is a big motivation for us to get a home with a yard within the next few years.) We live in a small apartment with no yard so our outdoor time is going for a walk or a planned trip to the park. I want my son to have the freedom to go out and play one day but not in a parking lot where drivers are too easily distracted by their phones. Anyways we have time still. What I’m working on now is how to get creative in a shared bedroom to provide opportunities for independence with things like getting dressed or putting stuff away. Was looking up Montessori ideas for inspiration. Our kitchen doesn’t have low drawers to pull out or else I would let him choose his snack himself. Our space is pretty narrow. I was thinking I’ll start with a hook to hang his jacket, a dedicated space for shoes and maybe a mirror on the wall too. Any ideas for independence with a toddler are welcome!
Lenore Skenazy’s book ‘Free Range Kids’ had a profound effect on me when I read it back in 2011, when my first son was two. Armed with her stats, I became much braver about letting my children struggle before swooping in to rescue and about trusting the adults in my wider community. Enrolling my boys in a Waldorf kindergarten helped a lot, too (lots of tree climbing and fires and using sharp tools). I think it’s much easier to give city kids opportunities to practice independence than in rural areas because they can walk their neighbourhood (if it’s safe). As Skenazy describes, it’s all about practice and preparation and getting to know their local area intimately. Now that my boys are 11 and 14, they run errands for me to the grocery store or library or hardware store — huge added benefit!! My kids started riding the bus alone at age 9 in our leafy part of outer London. My older son made his first solo journey home from central London via Tube + train at age 13 (without a mobile). My mom friends think this is a little nuts, but it was completely normal just a generation ago!
My friend encourages her kids to be independent but she naturally worries so her compromise is to send them with a sibling. They can walk to the library or the local shop alone with a sibling of around the same age (plus or minus 2 years). At 6 and 8 it seems like your kids are on the verge of being able to do that.
This is all so very true.
My eldest hates, and has always hated, facing challenges. She finds that so many things come naturally to her, when something is initially difficult she will drop it immediately. She has been this way since she was a baby. It’s very frustrating as a parent! Often she comes back to something and somehow, without putting in any work, she has mastered it. Other things never get started (learning to ride a bike) or progress is slow (learning to read). She also lives a very comfortable life and thinks money grows on trees. I’m sure I’m not alone!
For independence, our local Home Ed group is brilliant. There are enough parents around the park and cafe that all the kids roam freely. I check regularly that she’s still on site, but otherwise she has three blissful hours of freedom. It does her the world of good.
Thanks for this. I have Easter’s book, but haven’t read it yet. I’m now encouraged to get on with it!
This is something I like about traveling - it puts us in very different and at times difficult situations. Trying to figure out how to find your airbnb in the middle of night in a completely strange country with a completely new language is a great way to test staying calm, problem solving, being vigilant and working as a team. I think our family is stronger for all those experiences...
I love this post. Had a conversation about this with another parent recently. Apparently children who are not allowed to do anything more adventurous are more prone to accidents as teenagers/grown ups as they don't have a well developed ability to assess risks. As for me as a mum, I try my best to let my 6yo struggle (it is super haaaard). The other day we went for a family bike ride and our girl got stuck half way through a somewhat large hill. I was already at the top waiting for her and this man in park saw us and offered to give her a push. I thanked him and explained to him that I want for her to conquer that hill on her own as she needs to practice being resilient. Also, I let our daughter play with matches/ lighters when I'm present in the same space. We went to Go Ape when she was under 5 and she did great. I must have been more scared than her! It's often times much easier to do things for our kids (zip their coats etc.) but it's a slippery slope. At the end of the day, our role as parents is to prepare our kids to navigate this world on their own and with confidence not fear.
Love this post! I'm exploring homeschooling with my boys next year and looking to learn from the collective wisdom of those who've gone before. I had never heard of Let Grow before and am really enjoying their free resources. Thanks!
Really enojyed this. Thank you, Catherine! I am thinking these days about how to introduce friction into my life because I've realized it does other good things in me that I say I want -- grow patience, develop grit, problem solve, engage. (ie no GPS driving around, placing my phone inconveniently far from me, writing by hand instead of typing, baking bread, etc)
My husband takes our oldest three to Colorado to hike mountains that are over 14,000 feet high every summer. It is a perfect example of a challenge that, while they may not "enjoy" it during the hike (and sometimes are in tears!), they all want to do it again next summer (and the younger children cannot wait until they get to join!). But yes, it is hard to watch/let our kids struggle and even suffer a little. This is one reason why fathers tend to help their children learn through challenges a bit better than mothers. We don't want to see our kids struggle, but it doesn't' seem to bother my husband as much as it does me.
I love this post! I’m so thankful I grew up having an childhood without smart phones, they had just come out I believe right as I was graduating? I can’t quite remember because I refused to get one until my flip phone just gave out. I have so many memories just roaming around the neighborhood and being away from my parents. It was just “ok I’m going outside” and then come back later. I fell out of trees too from way up high! I was fine. LOL. I think at this point I’m challenged by our living situation (which is a big motivation for us to get a home with a yard within the next few years.) We live in a small apartment with no yard so our outdoor time is going for a walk or a planned trip to the park. I want my son to have the freedom to go out and play one day but not in a parking lot where drivers are too easily distracted by their phones. Anyways we have time still. What I’m working on now is how to get creative in a shared bedroom to provide opportunities for independence with things like getting dressed or putting stuff away. Was looking up Montessori ideas for inspiration. Our kitchen doesn’t have low drawers to pull out or else I would let him choose his snack himself. Our space is pretty narrow. I was thinking I’ll start with a hook to hang his jacket, a dedicated space for shoes and maybe a mirror on the wall too. Any ideas for independence with a toddler are welcome!
Lenore Skenazy’s book ‘Free Range Kids’ had a profound effect on me when I read it back in 2011, when my first son was two. Armed with her stats, I became much braver about letting my children struggle before swooping in to rescue and about trusting the adults in my wider community. Enrolling my boys in a Waldorf kindergarten helped a lot, too (lots of tree climbing and fires and using sharp tools). I think it’s much easier to give city kids opportunities to practice independence than in rural areas because they can walk their neighbourhood (if it’s safe). As Skenazy describes, it’s all about practice and preparation and getting to know their local area intimately. Now that my boys are 11 and 14, they run errands for me to the grocery store or library or hardware store — huge added benefit!! My kids started riding the bus alone at age 9 in our leafy part of outer London. My older son made his first solo journey home from central London via Tube + train at age 13 (without a mobile). My mom friends think this is a little nuts, but it was completely normal just a generation ago!
My friend encourages her kids to be independent but she naturally worries so her compromise is to send them with a sibling. They can walk to the library or the local shop alone with a sibling of around the same age (plus or minus 2 years). At 6 and 8 it seems like your kids are on the verge of being able to do that.
I think one of the most empowering things we can tell our children is that we believe in their capability to do hard things. Loved this!